The Divine Function Of Anger
by Moriah Marston and The Tibetan
Most of us try to hide our anger. After all, it’s embarrassing to show this rather unspiritual part of ourselves. We struggle to talk ourselves out of it. But it just keeps festering in our guts, summoning us to heed its aggravated churning. No matter how we try to elevate our consciousness and rationalize the conditions that invoke anger, its burning indignation pierces our thoughts and interrupts our harmonious transcendence to drag us down to the bowels of the unconscious where we must confront all denied hurts, assaults, insults, betrayals.
Why are we so afraid of revealing our temper? Society, parents, spiritual teachers admonish us for our ire because anger equals destructiveness, hurtfulness, judgment, selfishness, lack of compassion. Children who feel safe enough to have the freedom to express fury are often punished for tantrums. Taught that we’re not lovable when we’re mad, we associate anger with rejection. So we tuck it away where nobody sees it, assuming it will simply dissolve on its own as we tell ourselves: “I got over that violation. It’s OK – not that important. I can let it go.” But anger, akin to nuclear energy, can’t be buried or destroyed. When repressed, it makes us toxic. Like Mother Earth’s repulsion to nuclear waste, our precious body pays the price. Years of unresolved anger collects in the liver and joints while the gall bladder is choked with all that “galls” us.
Anger won’t dissipate until it has fulfilled its Divine function – to stop transgression and negation of our birthrights and very existence. When we block anger, we cut ourselves off at the knees and inescapably become victims. Loss of anger equals loss of power. Angerless sanctity won’t ensteel our journey through the rugged terrain of our human jungle of colliding beings. How can we keep pace with the evolutionary challenge of survival of the fittest if we’re not allowed to protect our existence with anger’s natural instinct to STOP all negation of self?
Human emotions, brimming with Source’s genius, are teachers. Anger, a formidable Divine Force propelling the natural instinct of self-preservation, must be honored rather than shunned. It clarifies boundaries and conveys information about ourselves and others. Bristling arguments expose our hurts, disappointments, rights, needs previously oblivious to the other person. Expressed annoyance clears the air like a striking thunderstorm on a hot sticky summer afternoon – the atmosphere so dense you can “cut it with a knife.” When we hide our resentments, we’re really hiding ourselves – fearful that we won’t be loved if we admit our true boundaries / needs. Finally when this inauthentic self-representation becomes intolerable, wrathful furies erupt to establish balance and foster the self-advocacy that undoubtedly insures we are loved for who we truly are.
The question is not whether we should be angry, but rather how to master and responsibly channel this Divine Instinct. There’s no point in fighting it when our anger declares that something just isn’t sitting right. Instead we must skillfully direct our outrage rather than secretly stew, by experimenting with focusing just enough of anger’s clarifying energy, not too much or too little.
We all know the devastation caused by people who express their anger with a hurricane force over minor infringements. This overkill usually reflects a conflict about their right to take care of themselves. Destructive, excessive anger expresses the belief that we must destroy the whole situation rather than the violating piece. We don’t need an entire forest fire to eliminate a few diseased trees. Like surgeons we must precisely focus our anger to the particular area of imbalance.
Patterns of self-negation, self-denial or self-repression are the source of extreme rage stemming from an uncertainty about one’s rights. Fearful of being violated, defensive anger is often used to unconsciously drive others away to protect ourselves. Anger is the radar that alerts us to behaviors of self-betrayal. When repressed, its siren’s shrill goes unheeded in the unconscious for years and leaks out in inappropriate ways. People who scream at the top of their lungs to make their point are probably feeling impotent in their fury. They’re not able to go the distance with their anger’s purpose / message and inevitably become rageful at their self-imprisonment. Long-term repressed anger turns into rage – then fury – culminating in crystalized hatred. Unable to fully claim ourselves, the acid of disempowered anger creates disease.
Once we revamp our relationship to our needs / rights, we won’t have to overkill to stop a violation – just simply draw a clear line. Directed, self-responsible anger flows like a cool, clear laser beam that commands respect and establishes self-dominion. Anger, a natural issuance from the psyche, dissipates immediately when fulfilled. If anger festers and eats away at us, we’re still withholding permission to have our existential rights.
Fearful of being too much, we often half-step in expressing whatever riles us, ironically prolonging infuriation because anger can’t dissolve until we’ve completely corrected all trespasses. Because anger’s alarms describe our natural, innate boundaries – the shape of our being – it’s nonnegotiable with our efforts to be OK with what really isn’t OK. Restrained reactions to whatever offends us, buried in practiced compassion, are futile. Sympathy for others doesn’t negate our needs.
Life without anger, the hot flare from our gut that alerts us to our boundaries, is frightening and creates defenseless victims who feel they must submit to all insults without recourse. When we express too little anger we dilute our passion and hide our true colors. The displaced anger of quietly muttering and fuming under our breath, kicking the cat or yelling at other drivers on the road totally misses the direction in which our exasperation must be fired – leaving us even more agitated. We’re often afraid that our anger won’t be taken seriously. If our parents scoffed at our “silly childish” anger we learn to chide ourselves for our furies and are unable to give ample clout to self-advocacy.
All conflicts between who we are / what we need vs. who and what we think we should be / have are filled with anger. When we try to be “good” our anger leaks out unconsciously and puts others on the defensive. Disowned anger can be dangerous. It fosters random, pointless battles / attacks and leads to depression, chronic resentment, martyrdom, bitterness and disconnection from self.
The need to cloak my anger became the source of agonizing migraines. Efforts to override my deservedness in order to be caring and accommodating resulted in one big headache. Fearful of confrontations and being perceived as demanding / ungrateful / unloving, I analyzed every angry impulse to decide whether it was justified, rather than simply trusting its message and following its clues to the area within needing self-advocacy skillfully directed without guilt.
Potent use of the laser-like nuclear energy of anger doesn’t require tyranization, abuse, criticism, judgment or battering. When we are vividly clear in our undeniable representation of self, we can express our anger with authority and sensitivity. Anger used to obtain power only results in disempowerment. Honored anger that alerts us to violation allows us to establish / sustain our human rights – true empowerment.
The Tibetan elaborates:
“Anger, the interface between yes and no, represents the Cosmic No that counteracts any distortion of the Divine Plan. If one’s Divine Rights (encoded in the Divine Plan) are blocked, then anger is a reactive instinct that says YES to everyone’s divinely mandated gift of existence. Anger’s YES to the Divine Plan stops all negation of spiritual essence in form. Complete self-love is the outcome.
“Don’t judge anger as an aberration of one’s Divinity. Misgivings of one’s furies reflect trepidation around power and the instinct to live. Fear of anger retards the students’ ability to consciously take charge of their wrath and evolve it from raw instinct to skillful application. Nonattached, adroitly channeled anger terminates all hurtful situations.
“Mastery of anger involves acceptance of needs through clear self-assessment, the willingness to express awareness of violations and to stop, with a minimum of energy or dramatics, any negation of self and of all earthly beings. Ire dissipates when there’s ample spaciousness for self’s being on all levels. Anger brings the opportunity to work out inner conflicts regarding the relationship between one’s spirituality and human instincts / necessities. To impose a spiritual idealism that describes the enlightened self as angerless, blocks the integration of the crown chakra (spiritual center at top of the head) and 3rd chakra (solar plexus), leaving self disempowered and ungrounded.
“Anger is not meant to be spiteful, vengeful or vicious but rather to right all wrongs. Although the notion of wrong is subjective, anger’s instinct is pure – emanating from an inborn source of knowing that disallows lovelessness. Bring curiosity to your anger. Follow its clues, like a detective, that lead to the bottom of the issues it unveils – illusions about scarcity, separation, abandonment and betrayal projected onto Source’s relationship to self and the planet.
“Source wants self and all of Its beloved humankind to exist in fulfillment, joy, empowerment, clarity and full Spaciousness of Being – everyone’s birthright. Constructive anger, the insurance that ultimately all will arrive at this level of dominion, relentlessly works to prevent self from settling for less than the above gifts of existence. There is no selling short of the soul’s earthly needs – only full commitment to the Divine Right to dwell in this wondrous Universe of Love.”
Moriah Marston, who specializes in phone sessions, is a soul psychologist, soul mentor and couples counselor (21 years of private practice) who includes astrology, dream analysis, and past life integration in her intuitive work as a mid-wife to the soul-alignment process. A channel for Djwhal Khul (pronounced “Ju-Wall Kool”), also known as “The Tibetan”, ascended master known for his teachings transmitted to Alice Bailey, she offers monthly group sessions open to the public and is available for private groups throughout the northeast. 413-625-6754, Shelburne Falls, MA. moriahm@transformationaltimes.com
Source: www.wisdom-magazine.com
Healing Anger
There are moments in this life when we find ourselves just plain mad.
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Something happens that seems unjust, or cruel, or unreasonable, and whatever it is has impacted us or someone we care about. The thing makes us angry, no question about it.
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The question is, what do we do with that angry feeling? Is it possible to accept it in without causing damage?
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It’s possible. Actually, it’s more than possible: it’s smart.
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Just like all the other visitors that stop by our home to say hello, anger is a temporary caller. Most of us have no problem accepting visitors as they are; manners and affection have taught us to pay kind attention to them during their stay. We welcome them in, take their coat, show them to a chair.
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What we don’t do, of course, is hand over our keys to them and tell them they can have the run of the place. We listen to them, feed them snacks, extend them hospitality. We spend our moments with them and then send them on their way.
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So this is precisely the way to deal with any uncomfortable visitors that stop by our mind for a brief while. Irritation, anger, impatience, resentment – you know their names. They’ve all come to raise hell, and if we are smart, we will bring them in, sit them down and listen quietly to their story. We may even comfort them: “Sure, I can see why you’re feeling that.” Because we are generous hosts, we give them a chance to breathe and feel acknowledged. Then we send them on their way – because they don’t, after all, live in our home. They’re only visiting.
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If, on the other hand, we haven’t yet learned that anger is merely a wave of energy – one that will pass – we may sometimes confuse our feelings for our identity. If we think the anger is who we are, it is inevitable that we will step into it full force. It is this kind of mis-identity which can do harm. If, after all, I have become the anger that is visiting me, there are all kinds of havoc I may cause – without noticing that I have handed over the contents of my mind to a distraught and temporary caller.
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So the secret of dealing with anger is to receive it without judgment: to neither resist it, or give it ownership of my house. Anger, as all of us know, is a very powerful energy: very persuasive and very contagious.
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What I do when heat catches hold of my consciousness is to step out of its noose as soon as I notice it, and invite it to sit down with me for a cup of tea. Deep breath, deep breath, and then I just listen. I let it know I understand why it is there. I even tell it to take its time; hang around as long as it needs to hang around. But in the process of this acceptance, I am becoming free. I am becoming the host, not the victim, of my visitor. And when I am safely out of its fiery clutch, I take steps to address its complaint in a neutral way.
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Does this sound like it’s too much work?
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Perhaps you think it is. Once upon a time, so did I. We all have. For now, I prefer to remain in charge of the house, and keep anger in the role of temporary guest. I honor it, I give it the gift of quiet attention, I may even surround it with Love. But I never, ever let it near the breakable dishes.
http://www.elsajoy.com
Keeping Calm in the Center of the Storm
Adapted from Waking Up to What You Do,
by Diane Eshin Rizzetto (Shambhala, 2005)
If you purposely put yourself in a situation that you know will ruffle your feathers, it is a way for you to learn tools to deal with your anger. In fact, this author recommends you welcome situations that push your buttons, and to even call someone who makes you angry, or who you consciously avoid because they irritate you so much!
Here is the key to coping with your anger, and if you use this technique over time you can remain calm in the center of the storm:
Sometimes people will say that they know they are angry but don’t have a feeling in their body. Be patient. It takes time sometimes for the mind to connect the thoughts with the body, especially if our style is to spin our thoughts.
There are many practices to help us make that connection.
Sometimes just ask yourself, other than my thoughts (i.e. not your thinking mind), what other signals are there that I am angry? Don’t demand an answer. The question is an invitation to feel, and for some of us, this is new and frightening. Just opening, inviting, what naturally wants to reveal itself will come to the surface in time.
You may begin to notice that tightening in certain areas of the body or breath holding is subtly associated with certain emotions and thoughts, such as frustration or jealousy. Try to relax and rest in the experience of Just This.
In time you will notice that whatever you experience is just a passing wave of energy. The key is to allow – don’t try to change it, manipulate it, or get rid of it.
As our ability to be present in the experience of what we are calling anger develops, the label of anger itself disappears and what we are left with is just a sensation of energy. At this point we no longer see it as a lunatic stranger, but rather, we have come to know it intimately as a quickening in the throat, a passing surge of heat, a heaviness in the gut – the experience can be different for each of us.
Over time we find that we can be quite still and calm in the middle of the storm; we will begin to feel a sense of open space and subtle changes as the energy moves and transforms and finally is no longer something we label as anger.
Source: http://www.care2.com
Taming your anger
The Tiger Within
by Dick Innes
“Your test seems to indicate that you have some buried anger,” said the counselor to his client. “Do you think this could be true?” he asked.
“Me! Angry? Certainly not,” replied the client. “I’ll punch you in the nose for saying that!”
When it comes to anger we all have a tiger of sorts within. At times it provides great courage and motivation. At other times we are so afraid it will get out of control we bury it so that nobody, including ourselves, will ever know it exists.
Many of us were taught that anger is bad and to show it is immature. The mature person, however, doesn’t deny his anger. He has learned to express it in appropriate ways.
Even though some people never show their anger, everybody gets angry sometimes. Anger is a God-given emotion and is neither right or wrong. It’s what we do with it that counts.
In fact, there are many things we ought to be angry about, such as social injustice, child abuse, greed and even legalistic religion that makes rules more important than people.
Hostility contaminates everything we do
Jesus was very angry with the religious people of his day for this very reason. When he healed a man on the Sabbath, the Pharisees were so furious they plotted to kill him. To them, religious observances were more important than the needs of people. We read that Jesus “looked around at them in anger…distressed at their stubborn hearts.” (Mark 3:5 NIV)
Think too of Florence Nightingale. She was very angry about the terrible conditions suffered by wounded soldiers in the Crimean War. She used her anger creatively to bring about major changes in nursing care.
One of the worst things we can do with our anger is to repress and deny it. Long-term repressed anger turns into hostility and contaminates everything we do. Hostility shows itself in many ways: a negative, critical attitude, nagging, sarcasm, gossip, resentment, hatred, slamming doors, shouting, taking it out on the children, kicking the cat, aggressive driving, childish “I’m hurt!” crying, rebellion, denial of sex in marriage, deviant behavior (prostitutes, for example, are often angry at their fathers), putting people down, constantly running late, passivity, withdrawal, rage, and even criminality. The list is endless.
Repressed anger or hostility, when triggered, can have fatal results. According to The Bulletin, in one year 80 percent of the homicide victims in one state were killed by family members or intimate friends. Most of these fatal attacks were the results of quarrels in everyday situations.
Or, as Dr. Cecil Osborne explains in his book The Art of Understanding Yourself, repressed anger may eventually come out in the “form of some psychosomatic illness: ulcers, asthma, arthritis, colitis, dermatitis, heart ailments or any one of a score of other.” Furthermore, there is probably nothing more destructive to personal relationships than buried anger or hostility.
Hostility attacks people. Healthy anger is directed against wrong-doing, is connected with love, and is the right amount of anger for the given situation. A helpful question to ask yourself if you think you might be overreacting is: “Should I be this angry?”
People who overreact to situations often have a lot of repressed anger. The immediate situation that brings out the out-of-proportion anger doesn’t cause it. It triggers what is already there.
The Bible reminds us that “If you are slow to get angry, you are wise. But if you are quick-tempered, you only show foolishness.” (Proverbs 14:29) This isn’t an excuse for denying one’s anger, as denial can be equally foolish and destructive.
Being quick-tempered is usually overreacting, a sign of unresolved anger.
The Bible also advises: “So get rid of your feelings of hatred [anger]. Don’t just pretend to be good! Be done with dishonesty.” (1 Peter 2:1 TLB) Also, “If you are angry, don’t sin by nursing your grudge. Don’t let the sun go down with you still angry – get over it quickly; for when you are angry, you give a mighty foothold to the Devil.” (Ephesians 4:26-27 TLB)
Hostility attacks people. Healthy anger is directed against wrong-doing.
How then do you resolve anger?
First, be honest and admit how you are feeling.
Second, accept yourself as a normal human being who sometimes has angry feelings.
Third, determine to resolve your feelings the same day.
Fourth, express your feeling creatively – perhaps to an understanding friend first or to an “imaginary” substitute, and where necessary, to the person at whom you are angry. This is not an excuse to lash out at others. The goal should always be to “speak the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15)
When expressing anger we need to verbalize the emotion. Talking about the anger doesn’t resolve it. The emotion needs to be released – not as an attack or as blame, but as a confession and expression of our feeling as our problem. When this is done, the anger dissipates.
It is neither true nor helpful to say, “You make me mad.” This is blaming the other person for your reaction and puts him or her on the defensive. It is more helpful to say, “I need to talk to you about such and such. I feel very angry about this. I know my anger is my problem and I may be overreacting, but I need to talk to you about this matter.” That is, use “I” messages, not “you” messages.
Anger can also be expressed in writing, as David did in Psalms. (Psalm 109) I have done this many times, after which I have torn up the piece of paper. Where necessary I have re-written those feelings and personally shared them with the other person or people involved.
Resolving relationships is very important. Christ reminds us that if we have any conflict with another person, we are to put things right before bringing our gifts to God. (Mark 11:25)
Fifth, before expressing anger, check to see if you are feeling afraid or threatened, because anger is often used as a defense against feeling afraid. If fear is the problem, talk about that.
Last, when you have shared your anger, forgive. For physical, emotional and spiritual health we need to be in touch with all our feelings (positive and negative), and use and express them in creative ways. This, too, is the way of love, for unresolved anger turns into resentment and builds barriers between friends, loved ones and even God, and blocks out love.
Copyright © 2001 by Dick Innes
Source: http://www.hopeandspirit.com
Dealing With Other People’s Anger
by Dean Van Leuven
Most often the anger directed at us is due to the other person having different expectations than ours. They are operating under the assumption that we will act toward them in a certain way; but when we don’t, their anger is triggered. They may hold very different beliefs, be totally unaware of our point of view or motivation, or they simply may be very different from us in many ways.
In dealing with another person’s anger, it’s important to be aware of the fact that the other person wants something to come out of their relationship with you. The key is to understand their expectations, and to help them understand yours.
Such mutual understanding is brought about by meaningful communication. Rather than expecting the other person to feel the same way as you do about the situation that’s made them angry, make a real effort to find out how they really feel. In order to get a real understanding of what’s driving their anger – so that you can ultimately diffuse it – you’ll need to hone your listening and communication skills.
HOW LISTENING AND COMMUNICATING
CAN DIFFUSE ANGER
Train yourself to be a good listener by learning how to “listen deeply.” To do this, you must put your own thoughts and beliefs aside, and really focus on what the other person is saying.
Unfortunately, most conversations can be characterized as “my stuff/your stuff.” They can be likened to a strange “game” of tennis – played with two separate balls. You serve your ball to me. I let it pass and serve my ball back to you. You let it pass and serve your ball back to me. The game continues in this way – with neither player receiving the other person’s ball. In such an instance, it obviously isn’t a game at all. And in a conversation with the same characteristics, it’s not really a conversation at all. You want to tell your story and I want to tell mine. We never hear the other person’s story because we are too busy telling our own. How many conversations have you had lately that went this way?
We can diffuse another person’s anger simply by putting an end to the “my stuff/your stuff” game and truly listening to that person. Interestingly, very often when you give an angry person the courtesy of politely listening to what they have to say, without interrupting them or retaliating in anger, their anger is reduced.
As you’re listening, focus on the feelings being expressed by the other person, rather than the strict meaning of their words. The feelings are the most important part of any message. When a child tells us, “Billie hit me,” we tend to focus on the hit instead of how the child feels. If you can respond in a way that lets the child know you understand how he feels, this will tend to calm him down. For example, “It sounds like you feel hurt and angry.” Learn to deal with an angry person’s feelings in this way. Their feelings are usually far more important than the event itself.
Most people find it very difficult to directly express their feelings. When someone hurls an angry remark at you, learn to put yourself in his or her shoes. Becoming aware of what the other person is experiencing emotionally requires that you set your own feelings aside. Look to see if you have triggered their anger in any way. Look to see how you might be causing the disturbed feelings.
Are there particular methods of communicating with someone that will diffuse their anger? Try this: Summarize what you think the angry person has said, without injecting anger into your statement. Repeat both the ideas and the feelings that you believe they have expressed. Hearing their own sentiments expressed back to them in a calm way tends to pacify an angry person. Getting their passion acknowledged and their needs met diffuses their anger and helps them to move from their own emotional center into their thinking center. You may need to repeat your “calmed down version” of what you think they were trying to express, but if you can learn to be patient with an angry person and employ this method, you will validate them and eliminate their anger.
Open up to the person who is angry with you. Establish a bridge. Communicate kindness and this will likely change the way they relate to you. It will be difficult for them to maintain their anger at someone who is being pleasant and kind.
When you communicate with someone who may be holding onto a lot of anger, the best way to deal with him or her is to show a genuine interest in them as a person and in the way that they view life. You’ll likely find that when you communicate in this way, their defenses will drop and their hearts will open. Your authentic concern for them is a powerful diffuser of anger.
FEELING COMPASSION FOR THE ANGRY PERSON
Most people naturally love and want love returned. It is part of our nature to love others. Ask yourself these questions: How can I react toward others to prevent pushing their anger buttons? How should I react toward others to avoid having their anger push my anger buttons? Once you have identified these “hot buttons” you can adjust your behavior so that it will not incite or intensify the anger of others.
If you feel compassion, then another person’s anger will no longer cause you to become angry. Compassion is possible only when you have an understanding of what that person might be going through. Once you learn to be more aware and caring about the other person’s feelings, you will start developing responses that are not anger producing.
You can choose to see everyone as either loving or fearful. We offer help to the fearful, not anger. For example: You are remodeling your office. A consultant is brought in to supervise the work. He is rude and abrasive. Do you feel angry with him? Suppose you knew he was suffering from a deteriorating illness? Be aware that the other person’s anger is usually not incited by something you said to him. It usually originates from some underlying problem that he has in his life that has nothing to do with you. Learn to see that the angry person is the cause of his own anger, and that the fault does not lie with you.
Anger is a message that can be read as a cry for help: “Pay attention to me. I don’t like what you are doing. Restore my pride. Give me justice. You are in my way. I am afraid.” Think of a person who is angry as a person who is in need of help.
To most of us, anger seems personal. If someone gets angry with us, we feel they deserve retaliation. That kind of thinking only serves to escalate the anger and perpetuates all sorts of problems. This is one of the reasons nations go to war with each other. When you learn to become compassionate and to fully convince yourself that you can withstand the angry jibes other people send your way, you create choices for yourself. You can choose to turn away from the angry person or stay with them and enjoy their positive attributes. You may even enjoy showing them how they can be less angry just by your own example. With compassion as your guide, you will not only be less likely to receive other people’s anger, you will be creating a more loving environment.
Respond with love and compassion, rather than punishment and retaliation, and an angry person will be disarmed. Trade the need to be right for a loving relationship. It is a trade you – and everyone around you – will benefit from.
Do you have a friend who…
• believes people are constantly trying to put them down?
• believes they should have things exactly how they want them?
• believes that if people do something wrong, they must be punished?
• believes you take no notice of them unless they act irritated or angry?
• believes people are selfish, self-centered, and unhelpful?
• believes people are hostile and angry?
Life isn’t much fun with this belief system. Have compassion for your friend. Model behavior that will encourage friends like this to change their anger-based beliefs. Maintaining a friendship with people whose beliefs consistently lead to anger may be very difficult for you. If they don’t show signs of wanting to change, you may find your life happier without them in it.
Principles to Keep in Mind
When Dealing With the Anger of Others:
• Other people’s anger is usually not about you.
• Only your own thoughts and attitudes can upset you, not the anger of others.
• Other people are worrying about their problems, not yours.
• Forgiving and apologizing eliminate anger.
Guidelines for Dealing with the Anger of Others:
• Listen to what the angry person is saying, and perceive the feeling underneath their words.
• Summarize the angry person’s feelings back to them, so that they know you understand what they’re going through.
• Understand the angry person’s reality, and show them compassion.
• Choose to perceive other people as loving or fearful, not as attacking.
• Acknowledge that forgiving and apologizing eliminate anger.
• Model anger-free behavior.
Be how you want others to be. They will respond in kind. The rewards you receive will be many times worth the effort.
Excerpted from Life Without Anger: Your Guide to Peaceful Living by Dean Van Leuven. DeVorss & Company. ©2003. http://www.devorss.com
Dean Van Leuven is an international speaker who regularly conducts seminars, lectures and workshops in learning to live without anger and related quality of life issues. http://www.lifewithoutanger.com
Source: http://innerself.com
Anger ~ Love It, Then Leave It
by Colin C. Tipping
As human beings, we are blessed with the capability to feel our emotions. In fact, some say the only reason we have chosen this human experience arises from the fact that this is the only planet carrying the vibration of emotional energy, and we have come here precisely to experience it. Consequently, when we do not allow ourselves to experience the full range of emotions and suppress them instead, our souls create situations in which we literally are forced to feel them. (Haven’t you noticed that people often are given opportunities to feel intense emotions just after having prayed for spiritual growth?)
This means that the whole point of creating an upset may simply lie in our soul’s desire to provide an opportunity for us to feel a suppressed emotion. That being the case, simply allowing ourselves to have the feeling might allow the energy to move through us and the so-called problem to disappear immediately.
However, not all situations are dissolved that easily. When we try coping with a deep-seated issue and a remembrance of what seems an unforgivable transgression, such as sexual abuse, rape or physical abuse, it takes more than just experiencing our emotions to get to the point where we feel unconditional love for that person. Feeling the emotion fully is just the first step in faking it until we make it and definitely cannot be bypassed.
I am not saying that the emotional work will not benefit from insight gained through a shift in perception that might have occurred before the emotions were felt and expressed. It certainly will. However, the converse does not hold true; the perceptual shift required for Radical Forgiveness will not happen if the underlying repressed feelings are not released first.
Invariably, when we feel the desire to forgive someone or something, we have at some time felt anger toward them or it. Anger actually exists as a secondary emotion. Beneath anger lies a primary emotional pain, such as hurt pride, shame, frustration, sadness, terror, or fear. Anger represents energy in motion emanating from the suppression of that pain. Not allowing one’s anger to flow can be likened to trying to cap a volcano. One day it will blow! Stage one and two in the Radical Forgiveness process asks us to get in touch with not only the anger, but the underlying emotion as well. This means feeling it – not talking about it, not analyzing it, not labeling it, but experiencing it!
Love Your Anger
All too often when people talk about letting go of anger or releasing anger, they really mean trying to get rid of it. They judge it as wrong and undesirable – even frightening. They do not want to feel it so they just talk about it and try to process it intellectually, but that does not work. Trying to process emotion through talking about it is just another way to resist feeling it. That’s why most talk therapies don’t work. What you resist persists. Since anger represents energy in motion, resisting it just keeps it stuck within us – until the volcano erupts. Releasing anger actually means freeing the stuck energy of held emotions by allowing them to move freely through the body as feeling.
Doing some kind of anger work helps us experience this emotion purposely and with control.
Anger Work Moves Energy
What we call anger work is not really about anger. It is simply the process of getting energy stuck in the body moving again. It might be more appropriately called energy release work. Whatever we call it, the process can be as simple as screaming into a cushion (so as not to alarm neighbors), yelling in the car, beating cushions, chopping wood, or doing some other explosive physical activity. Combining physical activity with the use of the voice seems to provide the key to successful energy release work. All too often we block the energy of emotion in the throat, whether that be anger, sadness, guilt or whatever else, so vocal expression should always be a part of the process. We should go into it, not with the idea of trying to rid ourselves of the feeling, but with the intention of feeling the intensity of it moving through our body – without thought or judgment. If we truly can surrender to the emotions, we will feel more alive than we have felt in a long while, and we will find that the energy has dissipated.
If Anger Is Scary
For many of us, the thought of bringing up anger may be too scary even to contemplate, especially if terror lies underneath the anger. The person who did these terrible things to us may still exert a strong influence on our subconscious mind. Under these circumstances, it would not be advisable to do anger work alone. Instead, we should work with someone who knows how to support us while we feel both the anger and the terror – someone with whom we feel safe and who has experience in helping people move through intense emotion. A counselor or psychotherapist of some kind would be a good choice. I also recommend doing Satori Breathwork with a skilled practitioner. This provides a way to release emotion.
Anger Addiction Warning
A note of caution needs to be sounded here. It becomes all too easy to get addicted to anger. Anger feeds on itself and easily becomes resentment. Resentment relishes going over and over an old hurt, constantly revisiting the pain associated with it and venting the resultant anger in some form. It becomes a powerful addiction in and of itself.
We must realize that anger that persists serves no useful purpose. Consequently, once the energy of anger has been allowed to flow as feeling, we should use the energy to create a positive outcome. Maybe we need to set a boundary or a condition on future interactions with the person around whom our anger revolves. Perhaps we can make a decision of some kind, such as to be willing to feel compassion for the person or to forgive the person. Only when used as the catalyst for positive change, self-empowerment or forgiveness will we prevent the anger from becoming an addictive cycle.
Excerpted from the book Radical Forgiveness, Making Room for the Miracle, 2nd Edition, © 2002, by Colin C. Tipping. Global 13 Publications. http://www.radicalforgiveness.com
Colin Tipping is an award winning author, international speaker and workshop leader. Educated at London University, he is the Founder/Director of the Institute for RADICAL Forgiveness Therapy and Coaching, Inc., and founder of the International Center for Reconciliation and Meditation Through Radical Forgiveness, Inc, a non-profit corporation.
Source: http://innerself.com
Anger ~ A Path to Awareness
by Ezra Bayda
When we are caught in anger, we are always cutting ourselves off from the bigger picture and from a sense of our basic connectedness. If we could see our angry emotional reactions clearly, it would become obvious that they deplete us and narrow our life. We would see how they are aversions to life, how they separate us and keep us closed.
Yet, in spite of the fact that we hurt ourselves and others with our anger, we hold on to this restricting emotion with a puzzling tenacity. Even as we continue to inflict pain by leaking our energy through angry emotional reactions, even as we narrow our life to one of petty self-centeredness, we continue to indulge in angry thoughts and behaviors with a stubbornness that defies common sense.
What is anger really about? When life is not the way we want it, we react. If we have expectations, we expect them to be met. If we have requirements, we require them to be met. If we have strong desires, we will not be satisfied unless they are fulfilled. Though life is neutral, with no bias toward fitting our pictures of how it should be, we continue to believe that life should go the way we want. And when it doesn’t, the result is often anger, in one form or another.
I’m not talking only about big explosions of anger. Even on mellow days, we leak energy through anger, in subtle ways, from morning to night. We can be angry in the form of impatience if we have to wait in traffic at a red light. We can be angry in the form of irritability if our television remote stops working. We can be angry in the form of self-righteousness if someone arrives late. We can be angry in the form of frustration if our team loses. We can be angry in the form of indignation if we feel we are ignored or not appreciated.
Most of the time we don’t even see how we leak away energy through anger, how we narrow our life, or how we perpetuate our suffering through our attachment to life’s going a particular way. Most of the time we simply follow one of the two characteristic ways we have been taught to deal with anger when it arises.
First, if our conditioning tells us that it’s not OK to be angry, we will suppress our feelings. Even when we know this approach is not good for our physical or emotional health, if the conditioning is strong, we will still tend to stuff our anger. Interestingly we continue to do this even in spiritual practice. It is not uncommon for meditators to unskillfully suppress their anger in an attempt to fulfill some ideal picture of how they’re supposed to be. But whether we use meditative bypass or other diversions such as food or television, pushing our anger out of awareness does not free us from it. It continues to imprint on us, festering inside as unhealed pain. Whether it visits us as disease, depression, passive aggression, or an explosion of rage, sooner or later it will arise.
The second, more common, way of dealing with anger is to express it. We express it internally through ruminating or wallowing; we express it externally through blame. The point is that our expression always entails believing in our reaction, with all the consequent self-justification. We have a forceful determination to be right and to prevail, even if only in our own mind.
Whether we suppress or express our anger, in neither case do we ever clarify it, nor do we really experience it. Even when we’re caught up in expressing anger, we’re rarely in touch with its energy. We’re so lost in the juiciness of believing our thoughts and in blaming that we don’t experience the anger. In fact, one of anger’s functions seems to be that it allows us to avoid facing what’s really happening. What are we avoiding? We could be avoiding the more painful emotions of hurt or grief. We could be avoiding facing the core fears that almost always underlie our anger. It’s so much easier to be angry – especially when the juices are flowing – than it is to experience hurt or grief or fear. No wonder we spend so much time indulging our anger! But even when we feel the power and juiciness of being angry, of being right, we are still shutting life out and closing our hearts.
It’s necessary to acknowledge that we often love our anger, even when it makes our life miserable. We often mistake the feeling of power that accompanies our anger as being somehow authentic and self-validating. This is the so-called ego at its work of perpetuating the self-centered dream.
One of the main difficulties in working with anger is that often it arises suddenly or right in the middle of messy and complex circumstances that aren’t conducive to a focused attention on the emotion itself. Perhaps the best we can do is to just watch ourselves go through our familiar angry response. Or perhaps we have experienced the same old pain enough to know at least to keep our mouth shut, to refrain from causing further harm. This in itself could be a big step forward.
We have to understand that it’s not bad to feel anger; anger is simply our conditioned response to life when it doesn’t match our pictures. We only make matters worse by adding to the anger self-judgment and self-hatred, both of which are rooted in more pictures of how we, or life, should be. Instead, we can bring loving-kindness – the essence of which is non-judgment – to our practice, lightening the heaviness and self-importance of our own drama.
To practice with anger, we have to be willing to work with it, not as the enemy, not as the ancient burden of “my suffering,” but as just the stuff of our conditioned life. When we see this clearly, we also see that not visiting our anger on others is a very big step in learning to clarify it. Learning to keep our mouth shut when we would otherwise vent is no small task. This is not to suppress, but to put our potentially harmful behavior on hold for the time being.
Then, as time allows, we can revisit what actually happened. When we next sit down to meditate, we can re-create the upset in our mind. We all do this anyway when we wallow and self-justify, but I’m talking about doing it as practice, intentionally and with awareness. When we deliberately re-create an upset, we remember what actually happened – where we were, what was said, how we felt. If it’s difficult to access the same emotional punch, we can exaggerate the circumstances simply to reconnect with the original feelings. The point is to experience the anger (or any emotion) within a practice environment. Even if we can’t re-create the exact emotional reaction, we can still work with it in a way that would not have been possible in the confusion and speed of the original episode.
One helpful tool that I learned from Joko [Charlotte Joko Beck, author of Everyday Zen, Ordinary Mind and the earlier Nothing Special: Living Zen] is to break down the re-created emotional experience into three components: the objective situation, the emotion itself, and the behavioral strategy that followed the emotional reaction. This helps bring clarity to the process.
For example, your mate or co-worker criticizes you, and before you know it, you’re in an angry exchange. Later, when you re-create this experience, you first ask yourself, “What was the objective situation? What actually happened?” Often all that happened is that words were spoken, or even more objectively, sounds connected with the tympanic membrane in your ear. The words themselves had no emotional load. You grafted the emotional reaction onto the objective events. Once you see this, you can then look at the second component: the emotional reaction itself. What specific emotion or emotions did you feel? Be as precise and honest as you can in identifying your feelings; often we don’t even know what they are. Then move to the third component, the behavioral strategy. What was your strategy – to comply, to attack, to withdraw? Though the strategy is not the same as the reaction, they are often connected in the same predictable pattern.
When we’re caught in the behavioral strategy, we have little hope of clarifying our anger. This is especially true if our strategy entails blaming and self-justifying, with that accompanying sense of power in being right. If we can refrain from blaming, we can focus on the initial reaction itself. We first ask, “What are the believed thoughts?” Sometimes the believed thoughts are right on the surface; other times they may not be accessible. Either way, the next and most crucial step is to enter the physical experience of the emotion. Truly residing in our anger has the potential to take us down to the core fears that are often driving our surface reactions. Practicing this way repeatedly will enlarge the sense of spaciousness around our angry reactions. As we regard them less as “me,” we become less likely to get caught up in them.
When we see clearly how anger arises simply because life is not fitting our little pictures, dropping the anger is not so difficult. What is difficult is that we want to be angry. We can see how our anger comes from our unfulfilled pictures and from our wanting to justify the anger. We can also see that when anger arises, we don’t have to express it, nor do we have to justify it by defending the believed thoughts.
Sometimes we might have the thought that we must be angry to engage in life. We might think that certain situations require action and that unless we are angry, we won’t act. When we see what we think is clearly an injustice, isn’t our anger the catalyst for our actions to remedy the situation? If we weren’t angry, what would motivate us to create positive change?
From a practice point of view, anger is never justified, no matter how righteous we may feel. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t act when the situation requires action. It means we can act without the negative aspect of our anger. As long as we fuel this negativity by believing in our thoughts, we impede ourselves from acting with clarity. As long as we are being run by the powerful negative energy of anger, we are closing our hearts tightly shut. In most cases we are still mainly in the grip of fear, in which we make life – whether in the guise of a person, a group, or an institution – the enemy. This roots us firmly in a narrow sense of “self.” When we justify our anger in this way, we have lost all sight of the bigger picture, of our basic connectedness.
So notice your anger whenever it arises. Regard it as your path to awakening. See how it arises out of your unfulfilled pictures. Notice whether you stuff it or express it. If you express it, notice your flavor: do you express it internally through stewing, or do you put it out there, even in subtle ways? See whether you can identify your believed thoughts. Then bring yourself back to residing in the physical experience of anger itself.
Be open to experiencing your core fears. Remember, you can do this only when you choose to stop blaming. Do you want to keep your heart closed in anger? Feel the pain of continuing to live in that way and let that disappointment penetrate your heart.
Excerpted from Being Zen: Bringing Meditation to Life, by Ezra Bayda. Shambhala Publications. © 2002. http://www.shambhala.com
Ezra Bayda is a Zen teacher affiliated with the Ordinary Mind Zen School, having received formal dharma transmission in 1998 from the school’s founding teacher, Charlotte Joko Beck. A student of meditation for more than thirty years, he lives, writes, and teaches at the San Diego Zen Center in San Diego, California.
Source: http://innerself.com
Dealing With Anger
by Linda M. Francis
A number carry the perception that anger should be avoided at all costs. This is actually a misguided notion – for if one avoids anger, one merely succeeds in suppressing it, thus forcing it to build up. This repressed anger eventually bursts forth in bouts of temper and acts of hostility. In order to deal effectively with anger, we need to fully understand what this anger is. Apart from being one of the most powerful of emotions, it can also be complex, creative and stimulating, whilst it simultaneously can also be the most potentially destructive of emotions. If anger is not coped with constructively, it will either express its power inward, and create havoc on the body and soul, or turn itself outward, at the expense of others. Anger can be either friend or foe, depending to a large degree upon our personal respect for this human emotion, and whether it flows from love, or comes forth from resentment and hurt.
Instead of suppressing our anger, let us rather learn to work with it, in such a manner that its impact and frequency becomes much reduced. We need to transform this anger energy into something more nourishing and uplifting.
Please ask yourself if you fear your anger?
Perhaps ask yourself again, and this time, wonder if you can befriend your anger?
These two sentences are rather important – for we end up fighting a continuous battle with all that which we have not befriended. Make peace with your own anger; should you find yourself fighting against it, or with it – believe me – it will only fight back! You see, a losing battle indeed! It is our own fear of anger which turns it into our enemy. The antidote is to make friends with it, and allow it to become our ally instead.
Anger, it must be understood, is a part of human nature, and thus cannot be eradicated into non existence. The little secret, however, is in that we can befriend it in such a manner that it loses much of its solitary power of destructive expression. This can be achieved to such an extent that one very seldom becomes angry, nor finds the need to. There are always various options in which to deal with any given situation. One can seek a resolve in a peaceful manner, or one can opt to resort to anger.
Make peace with your own anger – and thus allow it in turn to become peace.
Next time anger rears it head – turn towards yourself, and say hello to it: “Hey – I know you, you are my anger, come let us have a little chat.” (Now we are heading towards self motivating inner talk).
Whatever you bottle up within is going to want to find a release sooner or later. The more you bottle up, the greater that fountain of emotion will be when it erupts. Any negative feeling will react this way. Because we have not effectively coped with our pent up emotion, it becomes reactive, and defensive – it becomes anger, or bitterness. Whichever emotion you experience that is bothersome, please do not fight it! Recognise it, become acquainted with it, acknowledge it – and BEFRIEND IT! It is only once you have stopped reacting to your own emotion, once you have stopped fighting your own emotion, that it will in turn stop fighting back! Anger can be seen as an inner conflict (when one fights with oneself), which can express itself outward (then one fights with another). Effectively what you are doing is changing those emotions into notions of love (by befriending it). You have transformed them! When they next wish to express themselves, they will do so in the garment of love, and no longer in the cloak of anger, fear, resentment, etc…
We all balance between negative and positive poles of energy each and every day. There will be days when we feel we are leaning in closer proximity to the negative side, and other days where the positive energy is in abundance. And thus we are in constant search and attempt to find our own equilibrium – a happy balance. If and when one does become welled up in anger, it is indeed best to find some sort of release for it. Otherwise, it can result in the manifest of illness. There are many ways in which anger release can be achieved – but without digressing into that vast arena, allow me to merely mention that it is not even necessary to experience anger at all!
Why does one need to succumb to the throes of anger, when one can express oneself in so many alternative ways? The trick would be to eradicate anger from one’s expression to as large an extent as possible – and find peace. Inner peace knows of no anger. There is no constructive need to succumb to anger, other than to be the slave of one’s own ego. Anger becomes totally superfluous once one has mastered oneself to such an extent that fear no longer needs to find its scapegoat in anger.
Some of you may readily agree that to gain control over one’s thoughts (and thus emotions) must be one of the more illusive things we as humans are challenged with. In order to be in control of how we think, and even more so of what we think, requires that we understand what aspects in us actually govern the way that we think. Surely there must be those amongst us who would wish to entertain more loving thoughts, or thoughts of greater positivity, you name it. Yet, relentlessly we catch ourselves caught within a web of thoughts that appear into our minds time and time again. An important aspect of our thoughts is that invariably we will feel and experience emotion in accordance to how we think.
If we take a look at the general makeup of our behaviour, we come to realise that thought is governed by basically three criteria. One may feel a need to be in control of oneself or of a situation, where another may need to feel acceptance, and yet another may require (need) some sense of security. I know this sounds like a nutshell, but basically we are governed by these three needs. It is either one (or more) of these needs which determine, and by large, influence our negative thinking patterns. Holding onto these needs actually restricts us beyond measure in our freedom of thought, and hence emotion. To be in greater control of how we think, how we react and how we feel, we need to release our thoughts by letting go of these needs.
How to go about this?
For instance, when you catch yourself wrapped up in emotions and thoughts of anger (those wishing for greater spirituality in their lives will already know that anger has no place there), try to trace it back to one of the above mentioned needs. Once you have been able to determine that need, try to release it. But be warned – this could result in an immense sense of freedom – as you will suddenly realise how much better you feel and think without that need restricting you. As this method would work for the emotion and thought relating to anger, it likewise would work for any other negative notions, such as hatred, nervousness, stress, fear.
This article was inspired through the realisation that so many people speak of working out one’s anger by expressing it. The message I thought of bringing to those who are interested is that there actually is no need to be angry, judgemental, revengeful, etc… Can you imagine yourself embraced by such inner peace, whereby anger just simply does not feature at all? Anger very much involves the way in which we think. Our reactions to others are based upon the way in which we think. The emotions within us are similarly a result of how we think.
It is quite possible to experience life without anger!
Be responsible for your own thoughts now, and eliminate anger from your system as best you can.
© Linda M. Francis
Linda’s aspiration is to help others towards their own inner empowerment and authenticity. More articles written by her can be found at her website http://www.spiritualsoul.org/
Source: http://www.ascension.net